Monday, October 23, 2006

I thought it would last..

I know I have been a downer for a while now and I really miss all of my friends. :*( I could use alot of hugs and cheering up right now. Lynn told me yesterday he thinks we should both go seperate ways. He is confused once again like last time but this time I won't make excuses for him staying. I did tell him he broke my heart, once again. And if he leaves he can NEVER come back to me. We will only see each other for Amber's sake. I am crushed and have tried not to cry at work but the tears just fall from disappointment and my heart just aches. I know we have been distant lately and I just really chalked that all up to him working so much. But now I know the *real* reason. As many of you know this happened a few years back too and silly me took him back because he told me he could change. Yea right.
Why do I have to love such a selfish man? One that never really does anything at home. He complains when I ask for a little help around the house. He says I am negative all the time but doesn't see the real problem. It is HIM. His attitude affects me in a negative way. I see so many happy couples and think why can't that be me. Yes I know life isn't a bowl of cherries but is it too much to ask for a kiss, a simple touch of affection and yet I am expected to please him every night? To show him affection after he has a long day at work and comes home and does nothing. No thank you for supper, no talk about anything. Nothing.
This couldn't of happened at a more worse time. He does shit like this before Christmas ruining everything I wanted to do, holiday trips, enjoying time together by the fire, Christmas movies. He can only think of himself and his wants. He is depressed and yet never gets help for any of this. I mean I can only do so much but what do you do when trying to talk to your husband is like talking to a brick wall? It is useless. And that leaves me and Amber where? I am not going back to my Mom's. I will *try* to find a small apartment for us. God help us get through this all. I need so much strength. And Amber will too. My poor little girl gets her heart broke again too. She saw how sad I was yesterday. Going around the house blaming myself and crying and cleaning. I was a mad woman yesterday. Today I am solemn. Grieving for my 11 years of marriage that my husband tells me that wasn't very happy. This makes me feel miserable.
Thanks for listening to me, this truly helped me alot by getting just this much out.

Love u all.


Laura said...

*hugs* I'm so sorry. We are here to listen whenever you need it.

Shannon said...

I'm so sorry Amanda. Hugs to you and Amber. You're a strong woman and you'll get through this. xoxo

D said...

Amanda - my heart breaks for you reading this. I guess the only advice I can give you is to take care of yourself & Amber and not blame yourself. You are a good person & you do your best. Do you think you guys would ever think of going to a counsellor to talk about your relationship? I don't know if that would help but it might be worth a try. I will keep good thoughts for you & pray that things will work out the way they are meant to.


Christy said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, Amanda. I will pray for you and Amber.

Terri said...

So sorry things are going like they are. E-mail me if you want to talk or anything. ((Hugs))

Christina said...

Amanda, I'm so sorry. Do you think your marriage is beyond help from a counselor? Whether it is or not, perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to see one yourself (counselor, minister, etc...there are lots of resources) to help you get through this rough time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Amber. Stay strong, dear lady!